So, as fun as being young can be, there always weird things that cannot be explained by simple logic. There are always a weirdo or two that have to make for scary times. But then again, if it wasn't for the freak that I'm going to tell you about, we wouldn't have a story today, would we?
My Mom took me out of middle school one day because I had a dentist appointment. My dentist....what a tool. I had some baby teeth one time that were not coming out, and he had to pull them because the new ones were coming in over them. He gave me a shot to numb me, but it didn't take, and when I screamed in pain as he was twisting them out, he told me to "grow up."
Anyways, as we were getting ready to pull into our subdivision from Glenlord Road, I noticed someone hiding behind the "Hidden Acres" sign at our entrance. We drove in, and a guy jumps out from the sign butt-ass naked, holding up a magazine to his face, and just going to town on himself. I KNOW you know what I mean. I'll give him credit, he was pretty enthusiastic. My Mom slammed on the brakes and screamed. I was just floored by what I was seeing. Then just as fast as he appeared, he was gone. Running off into the woods.....his pale butt shining in the sunlight. We started driving to our house to call the police, when she noticed two kids riding there bikes towards the area where Mr. Happy was having fun in his own pleasure dome. She pulled over and warned them that there was a weirdo over there, and they need to stay away. Of course being kids, the just peddled faster in the direction of the drive-by penising that had occurred only seconds earlier. My Mom yelled at them to stay away, but her words fell on deaf ears.
So, she calls the police ans we give the best description we could. The police investigated the area, and as it turns out a guy matching the description live just around the corner. The picked him up and questioned him. Then the unthinkable happens.....
My friends Brad and Brent Franzen were over hanging out in the yard with me, as well as my sister and a couple of others. Here comes the Township Police pulling on to our road, and into our driveway. And who does he have in the car? "Flash" Gordon himself. The same guy that "pulled" a fast one at the corner and freaked us out. The officer gets out of the car and walks up to all of us children. He has me WALK OVER to the car and asks me if this was the guy I saw.
He was RIGHT there. In our driveway! Staring at me! At MY house! I look at he officer and say, "Yeah, that's him." My mother of course come out and FLIPS out the he brought this weirdo to our driveway. "The officer actually says to her, "We're pretty sure he's harmless."
I could literally hear the asphalt crack as my mother's jaw dropped off of her head, and bounced into the yard. She told us to get in the house, and went off on the officer for 15 minutes. She was pissed. I was getting a Pepsi when the police left with Johnny Wang, and my mom was STILL pissed. I will never forget the phone call she made to the station afterwards.
I never saw that guy again, except in my nightmares where he would come to our house, naked selling magazines. Seriously, that was the dream I had the next night. For weeks to come, the subject was always about this guy with my friends. They wouldn't leave it alone. One afternoon we snuck into the woods to see where this guy lived, but we never saw him.
Ahhh.......Middle School. What a great time to be alive, and have a naked fruitcake dangle his tool at you in the waning hours of a warm spring day. The strangest part of the story? It was a Redbook he was "reading".
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