Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Numbing the mind at after hours and horrible friends who should NOT go out for dinner together.

If you're like me, you find yourself flicking through the channels at night trying to find something to watch. There is always a ton of things on, but what to choose from? On one hand you have a variety of infomercials that want to sell you the next awesome cutting machine that shreds, dices and cultivates your cucumber, so to speak. But wait, there's more! If you order now, we'll send you for only a SMALL handling charge, the Weasler! If you have to ask what the Weasler is, you don't ever need it.

QVC? Only if you HAVE to have that "diamonique" dog collar for 83 easy payments of $29.99 plus shipping. I once ordered something from QVC. I think it was a comic book set. Right on the cover, it was printed AS SEEN ON TV. That made it valuable.

Comedy Central. Usually a good source of entertainment. I always have this channel as a fallback to anything else on. Tosh, Futurama and stand-up always makes me smile. I can do without 12 straight hours of "Larry The Cable Guy In......ANYTHING" I just don't want to see it 7 times in a row.

The Military Channel. No matter how many times I watch it, I know how WW2 ended. I know the Nazis are going to lose the war. I mean, we all know this as a proven fact in history. they are The Washington Generals of armies. The narrator always try to hook you, but I guarantee they lose everytime.

Cartoon Network/Adult Swim. This is my go to channel. Pretty much after 1:30am, this is where it stays unless that stupid Family Guy episode where he wrecks the cable dish while teaching Meg to drive is on. That episode should be banned due to OVERPLAY! American Dad? Hell yeah.

MTV? Don't start with me. My brain will fly out of my head and find a way to kill you.

USA Network. I used to LOVE this station, but after Night Flight was cancelled, it was all downhill. It hasn't been a good network to me since 1988.

FX. LOVED it for Rescue Me. It's not a bad source for occasional joy, but not enough.

Network TV. Well, after a certain time, it's mostly just mind numbing dribble. I avoid it like I avoid good health.

Everything else? Well, Spike will show you a bunch of killer action films, but usually the same one over and over. Sometimes that's ok, other times just shoot me. Although they usually run the awesome Carl's Jr commercials where hot scantily clad supermodels eat burgers that result in a mustard flow of incredible proportions running down there chins. And just when you think the commercial is over, and other one rubs her back while eating Carl's Jr new Cheese Tator Tot that cost only $1.99 after 4pm! Genius.

Commercials? usually the same ones over and over. Chat lines where women like younger men, but LOVE older guys. They tell me that mostly they chat, but sometimes it gets even hotter. What, do you yell at me? Last time I checked there were litterly a BILLION web sites that offer the same thing for only pennies a day billed discreetly to your credit card. Or even better, and I guarantee that THOSE women do more than talk. Yes, I can guarentee it.

What about those commercials that get played over and over and over and over....... there is one that is burned into my skull with the heat of a million satellites burning into earth's atmosphere.

Livelinks. I get so pissed at this commercial. It stars 2 guys who have an obviously terrible bond. When the waitress walks over to take their order, Dimwit #1 asks to hear the specials again. Asshole Friend #2 basically tears him a new one, and humiliates him in front of the COMPLETELY not hot waitress. He may as well just bent him over and shoved a salad fork in his rectum. At least that would have been kinder than the abuse that his "buddy" delivers with in front of the stunned customers that wonder why the waitress isn't already pregnant with one of the grill cooks bastard children . The worse part? Dimwit #1 acts like this is the normal way to be treated! I would have caved in the skull of Asshole Friend #2 with a dinner plate. Over and over until mush oozed from his back stabbing ears. Don't believe how bad this commercial really is? I defy you NOT to want to smash your TV after watching it.

Enjoy!

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