A hint of garlic and ass?

So, I sit here trying to decide what I want to write about today, and my mind draws a blank. I mean, I have TONS of stories I could tell. There was this time my friends and I were almost arrested for Solicitation Of Prostitution for jokingly yelling at a hooker "How much, baby?" The resulting laughter was quickly silenced when we noticed the police car sitting right behind us.

Then another time when we decided to cut across a large open field in my buddies truck to get home, and ended up hitting a cow as we crested the hill. The cow was unhurt, but the bumper fell off his Ford.

There was even the time where I was driving down US31 and I looked down for split second, looked back up and there was a Jeep Cherokee stopped right in front of me turning. I was doing 60mph, and there he was, dead stopped 6 car lengths in front of me. I only had time to swerve into the other lane, and luckily there was no car coming. When I looked back, the Jeep wasn't there. Just like it never existed. Weird.

But today, I decided to tell you about something else. Enjoy the following yarn, and remember. This could happen to you.

My ex-wife and I used to live on Taylor Road in Charlevoix. The area consisted of factories, businesses and 2 lone mobile homes that sat back in some deep pine trees. We lived in one of those homes. My friend Mark and girlfriend at the time lived in the other one. We shared the same drive, and the houses were only about 20 feet apart. The houses were old. They had been there for awhile, but were still cozy. except when Marks shower fell through his floor.

We had a crawl space under our trailer, and even though we would have it blocked off, animals would get under there. Many times I would have to chase some sort of critter away. We had 2 cats that we got from a friend, and they loved to listen to the squirrels run across the roof.

One morning I was getting ready to take a shower, and I was reading the paper on the throne. I heard my cat come into the bathroom, and felt it brush my leg. I reach down to pet the cat, and I tell it "Good morning, kitty!" I sat there, petting the cat for about 5 seconds. I look down at the cat, but see only a possum. That's right. I was petting a possum. I looked at it, it looked at me and hissed. I FREAKED out, and jumped off the toilet and into the shower, while the possum made his retreat under the sink and vanished. I quickly got dressed and went looking for this little bastard. Turns out there was a hole in the floor by the water heater, and it had got in that way. Swell. I called the city police because I knew that they would know who I need to call to get this animal if he was still in the house. Paul Ivan came out, and we looked around. It was gone. He brought me a live trap however, because we found out that it was trying to make a nest under the house. The trap was set out on my porch, and I waited. I had put plastic up around the porch to help cut the wind from the upcoming winter, so it was KINDA like an enclosed area. I could see the trap, and there was only one route an animal could take to get on my porch.

I waited.

For 3 days, I waited.

The morning of day 4 I hear the live trap go off. I get my boots on, and go outside to savor my victory. I open the door and look at the captive critter that literally scared the crap out of me earlier in the week.

Oh man. I trapped a skunk.

Now, he was a big skunk. He barely fit in the trap, but there he was. Now what am I supposed to do? Across the driveway, Mark was getting ready to go to work. I yelled to get his attention. Maybe he could help me figure out what to do. His truck was running, so it was hard for him to hear me. I yelled again, louder this time. No response. I yelled even LOUDER, but still no response. Little did I know that the stinky little bastard that I was holding captive was turning himself around in the trap. Finally I gave up trying to get Mark's attention. I looked down JUST in time to see what the skunk was getting ready to do.

It sprayed me.

I was only inches away from the trap, when it happened. All over my boots, and my pant leg.Not to mention, the porch and the plastic that enclosed the area. It was like being in a closet and having an explosive skunk IED go off. Oh my GOD it was horrible. I did the only logical thing I could do.

I threw up. Then the only STUPID thing I could do. I ran inside.

Oh it was bad. I mean it was excruciatingly bad. I could hardly see, and my nose was on fire. Into the bathroom I went, back to the initial scene of the crime, and tore my clothes off. I had a gallon bottle of Oda-Ban that we had used to clean when we first moved in. I threw my boots, and all of my clothed into the washer, and myself into the shower. I couldn't get clean enough. The stench was overwhelming. Eventually I called Dale Farmer and one of his sons came out and took the skunk away. My clothes and boots? Garbage. They were destroyed. The entire house reeked for 2 weeks. The day we moved out you could still smell skunk on your hands if you touched the brass handles on the drawers in the kitchen. The smell never came out.

the area now sits empty. The houses were eventually removed, and the open area is growing over. But every time I drive down Taylor Road, I stop and remember the battle I lost with that skunk.

I'm sure somewhere, that possum is in hell. Still laughing at me.

Don't forget to go to my fundraiser at www.indiegogo.com/misterchips and help spread the word on autism awareness. If you would like to donate locally, I encourage you to visit your local school systems website to see what you can do to help.

See you tomorrow!