Fear Part 2

What are you afraid of?

The only thing I was ever really afraid of when I was a kid was thunderstorms. Nothing else fazed me one bit. Bugs? Nope. Snakes? Never. My Uncle Charlie? Well, maybe a little. He was a weirdo.

Nope, I was always pretty good at conquering my fears. That was until I had GBS. I know I covered alot of what happened to me when I was very sick in 1999, but I never really spoke of the long lasting effects of what had happened to cause the fears that I suffer through everyday of my life now.

I have worked overnight shifts since I was in high school. It started at Meijer, and continued on when I started working in radio, all the way through 1997. I was used to always being awake at night, and I enjoyed the peace that came with it. I loved being alone, and I really didn't have to answer to anyone except my listeners, and an occasional call from my boss as to why I just played Marilyn Manson's The Beautiful People. I would drive to work at night with no traffic, and go home in the morning as the sun came up. It was great.

Then 1999, and the GBS wiped all of that out. I would lie awake at night in the hospital wondering if I was going to live or die. Even after I left ICU and went to Munson for re-hab, the fear was with me. Even though I was in a HUGE hospital, I felt so very alone. Once I went home, it was even worse. I had to stay at my parents house since I was in a wheelchair, and their home was accessible for me. They would go to bed around 10pm, and my ex-wife would never stay with me. So I would just sit up in bed, listening to the radio, hoping that I was not going to die because something would happen to me, and nobody would hear my cries for help. My doctor put me on anti anxiety medication to help. Effexor was the pill she chose for me. Now, I won't list what happens when you take this medication, but in short, it has a nickname.

"Side Effexor"

It did very little to help with my anxiety, but it sure messed up my body! I really loved it when my body would start to shiver for no apparent reason, and then I would barf after 10 minutes. If you missed a dose, God help you. I actually collapsed at work with my heart rate at about 180 that lasted 3-4 minutes, then would go right back to normal like hitting a switch. I would still lay in bed at night freaking out, but at least all of the diarrhea that I had from it distracted me.

Finally, I was able to change my medication to Celexa which helped SO much more. It was able to relieve me of my daily anxiety, and help with the night terrors that I was suffering from. But to this day, I am still scared.

I can be in bed at night next to my wife who is asleep, and still get scared. Sometimes terrified that I am not going to wake up in the morning. It gets so bad that I force myself to stay awake all night, just to make sure I will stay alive. Sometimes, I cry because the stress is so bad. And when I do wake up in the morning, I am sometimes afraid to move because if I do, I will have a heart attack or something. I know, this is ridiculous, but to me it is VERY real. And I have to deal with it every day of my life. There is NO amount of medication that will fully help me get over the fear that I have incurred because of my GBS, but I do my best to plow through every day the best I can.

Imagine sitting on the edge of your bed at night. Now imagine being frozen with fear. You can't move. You cant talk. You cant hardly breathe. You try to open your mouth, and nothing comes out. You try to reach out, but you cannot move. All you can do is panic and cry until it passes and you can relax.

That happens to me 3 times a week on average.

It gets worse whenever I get a bad cold, or some injury. It enhances the fear that I go through. My only saving grace is my loving family, and friends that always watch out for me. Without my friends and family, I would have been dead years ago. Either from stress, or my own hands.

Everybody has fear they have to deal with. And everyone has their own way of going about getting over it. But fear never goes away. No matter what you try. You just have to deal with it, and do your best to survive another day. It's not easy, but you do it anyways.

If I can do it, you can do it. Never give up.

Man, I wonder if my weird Uncle Charlie is still alive? I just got freaked out all over again.