A true Christmas Story.

Reprinted from The Housewife Mafia for your reading pleasure. Here is hoping that all of you have a very Merry Christmas, from my family to yours!

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas.
He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true.
I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't
sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" " Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?"
Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying
to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't
she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny,
Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.

It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.


The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell
in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet
his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks
to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

The end.

As we look back on the world as it slowly crumbles apart, we must thank the Mayans for warning us, and yet we did nothing to stop it. I look out my window and see a gaping hole in the ground with flames shooting out of it. A chunk of space rock has flattened the neighbors house, and smoke is rising on the horizon.

Yes, the End Of Days are here just like it was written all of those years ago. It seems like just hours ago that Sir Richard Charles Nicholas Branson launched his ARK3 spacecraft, along with 3000 of the most important people as well as the Victoria's Secret Angels, into space in order to repopulate on whatever planet they find.

As for the rest of us, we have to deal with getting vaporized in a spray of blue earth. I have made peace with myself, and I accept that I won't have to worry about getting the oil changed in the van. Thank GOD.....I was so passed the 3000 miles. As I type this, TV stations are going off the air. Radio stations are playing the doomsday countdown, eventually reaching the number one song that was the harbinger of this destruction. I assume it will be Celebrate by Kool And The Gang.

So, as I type these final words before the landslide of mud and debris come to take me away. I just want to say in the immortal words of Dr. Johnny Fever.....


Booger.

What? You say end of the world never happened? Really? So what you're telling me is that I have to continue living my life, and dealing with things that really matter, and NOT freak out about what a dead society wrote about that actually had NOTHING to do with any end of world prophecy?

Well, duh. I better get that oil changed.

I am sickened by how evil people can be.

I was going to write about something funny that we did in school when I was young. It was a pretty good story, but I can't. I'm sick to my stomach at what happened today.

A sick person took the lives of 20 children and 6 adults this morning at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newton Connecticut. Untold horrors are coming out about what happened. Poor innocent children that had not even begun to enjoy life. How can people like this do something like this to innocent helpless children? How can ANY child feel safe?

I can't even continue to write about this. I have too many tears in my eyes right now. There is a special place in hell for bastards like this. He may be dead, but he can NEVER be dead enough.

My heart goes out to the families that lost children and loved ones today. I could never in a million years imagine what they are going through. I don't know what I would do if something happened to my kids.

Especially the way their young lives were taken.

I will say a prayer for them all tonight. Please include them in yours as well.

Let it snow. Circa 1978.

Do YOU remember the Blizzard of '78? I remember it well. January 1978. We had just finished Christmas break, and were about 2 weeks back into school when the snow started to fall. We lived in Hudsonville Michigan, about a 15 minute drive to Grand Rapids. When the snow started to fall, it fell fast and heavy. The pressure was so low, it was like a hurricane was rolling through. To this day the barometer reading was 28.21. The LOWEST in Grand Rapids history. It was a DEEP storm. When all was said and done had around 26" of snow that was driven by such high winds, that we had drifts that started in our yard, and went over the roof of our house. You could literally walk up the drift, and on to the second floor roof of our home. The drifts and snow piles were still around our house until April it was so bad.

My brother and I had the task of using our little Toro snow blower to clear the driveway. There was no way. The snow was over our knees, and it was hopeless. My Dad was a Store Director at meijer in Grand Rapids, and him and about 30 other employees were stuck at the store because of the snow. In 1978, Meijer was not a 24 hour store. They closed at 10pm every night. They also had a full service cafeteria. I remember my Dad being there for making breakfast for the employees that were also trapped. I have a picture somewhere of him making eggs for the cashiers. When he was finally able to get home, we were all stuck because the roads were so bad. We were told it would be a week before our subdivision would be cleared. Luckily, there was a guy who lived down the road that had snowmobiles that were making trips into town for groceries and stuff. He also had a HUGE front loader, and within 2 days had completely cleared our roads. Everyone else was still stuck, but at least we could get out. Some houses were covered to the roofs, and all you could see was a tunnel from the front door to the road. That was it. No other evidence of a house was even there, except that hole. It was crazy.

http://abcnews.go.com/Archives/video/jan-26-1978-blizzard-america-12756452

This was the broadcast on the ABC Nightly News. I remember watching it with awe. It seemed like the snow would never end. The National Guard was out trying to get people that were trapped in their homes and workplaces. As well as medical assistance and delivering food. Imagine trying to get through the snow in a 1978 Grand Prix. It was nuts. When the roads were finally opened, you actually had to get out of your car to see if it was clear to go because there just wasn't anywhere to put the snow, and the intersections had 15' piles on the edge of the road.

After all was said and done, we survived. The old Toro snowblower didn't though. The snow killed it dead. It took only 30 minutes, and it was gone. Took me and my brother nearly 4 days to clear the driveway.

Do you remember where you were? Do you have any stories you want to share? Send me an e-mail and I'll post the stories here. If you have any pictures or videos, I will post them as well.

Excuse the interruption......

We here at The Daily Skid Mark have been absent from the blog lately. This is the time of year that I usually do more volunteer work. Putting together ways to help people for Christmas with food and gifts. I wasn't able to do NEARLY enough this year, and it really has me down. This year has been a tough one for our family, and I feel like I have let them down, as well as those I am always able to help. This will be the first year I have not been able to deliver Christmas hams and other food needs to those less fortunate. I have not been able to help with toys, or cash so people can buy typical household needs. There are no computers to donate to anyone who needs one, and my health has hindered my ability to fix computers at no charge.

It has been hard. I want to able to help out, and it kills me that I am not able to. And I am sorry.

Our situation has come to a head, and we are facing having to move out of our home for the second time in 8 months. Probably before the first of the year. Between health issues, and problems at our current home, along with financial issues, we are backed into a corner. I don't see anyway out of it either. Our son is currently being tested for Autism, my daughter has a skin condition that causes her to break out horribly in dry patches, and I am facing surgery on my jaw. Not to mention an ankle that doesn't seem to want to get any better.

I am so used to helping others, that I don't know how to react being on the other end of that spectrum. Because my wife has a job, the usual resources I go through to get other assistance are not available to us. I have sold everything that I could to raise money, including selling my Chevy Blazer, and will probably have to sell our OTHER Blazer and buy something cheap to get around. We are also facing a move to someplace else in Traverse City in the winter.

I am drained emotionally. I just don't have the fight left in me. Not only can I not help others that need it MUCH more than me, I can't even help myself or my family. I never wanted to use this blog to air my dirty laundry, but I have had a hard time even talking about it because I have been so down.

All I ask is that you think of our family this year. We could use all the prayers we can get. If anything, throw a buck in a kettle to help others who cannot help themselves. Drop some food off at a pantry. Give to Toys For Tots because there are too many children who will go without this year.

Just keep the spirit in your heart this year. Christmas is a time for giving, but need is a year round thing.

Sorry about this rant. It at least felt good to get it off my chest.

God bless.

Day by day....

So I have been really busy getting some things done that have occupied so much time in my life lately. I miss writing my blog, and should be able to do daily updates after this weekend. I will keep everyone updated with the ups and downs and fun facts that is my life. I just turned 45, and I hope to have 120 more years of fun times.

Anyways, sorry this is a boring lousy update. But I just wanted to know what was going on.

Oh, and I'm typing this naked. Get THAT image out of your head.