That "One Day" In Your Life.

That was the day I knew it wasn't going to good. The rest of my life is was forever changed in an instant.

Do you remember that day? Good? Bad? One day you may have woke up and realized today was the day your life was going to change. Or maybe an event that day decided it for you? Maybe someone did or said something to you that forever decided your direction? We all have that day/event/encounter. When that day came, what happened? A loss of a family member or friend. Meeting someone you would fall in love with, or maybe as simple as getting that job you had always dreamed of. Destiny is a strange bedfellow. Something great can change your life for the better, only to have it kill you later on in life. My Brother Craig is a perfect example. In 1977 we moved to Hudsonville. The neighbors, who's kids became our friends, had snowmobiles and motorcycles. Craig loved his life, because on that day, he became happy. He loved riding dirt bikes, snowmobiles and cars. We moved again two years later, and Craig would have so much ripped away from him. He still has his love for all of those things, but once again, we had them taken away from us.

We would move again in 1980, again losing the friends we had made, because, well.....we had no choice. My Father only cared about moving up the ladder with Meijer, so when an opportunity came up, he would take it. My brother made new friends who were into muscle cars, and he thrived. But the seed of what would eventually kill him, was sitting dormant. Later in life he would talk about how he got into motorsports while living in Hudsonville to people he would see at my parents grocery store, that my Father bought after he retired in 1987, and he worked at. As he got older, he drank. More and more. To keep this story from getting any longer, I'll cut to the chase. He missed Hudsonville. And everything he did in his life was always hindered by the fact that he would never get 1978 back. It was his demon. He would tell me on many occasions that he resented my parents for making us move away. 

The day I took him to the hospital, he knew he was never coming home. He was so sick. He told me he was scared. I was scared too. But I was sad, and I was pissed off. I didn't know how sick he was from alcoholism. I had only moved back to the area after being gone for nearly six years. My sister knew he was sick. My parents knew he was sick. His friends knew he was sick. They did NOTHING! 

He was dead not even a week later. Alone in an ICU bed. Craig never got back to that day that he loved, or the town that made it possible. He drank himself to death, trying to get back to 1978.

This was the day I knew, things were never going to be ok. That day, my life changed. It took a couple of more years, but it all came out. The hatred and pain I felt that day? I still carry it with me. The anger and betrayal from my parents, my sister and her kids, will always be a scar on my soul. I'd like to think that Karma has a way of getting it's way in the end, but I'll never know. 

I wonder when they had that "One Day" that made them who they are?

Observations from the front.

Watching the rain and wind at my happy place, reading about the horrors taking place around the world, on my phone. Kind of self defeating, I know. It's depressing that in a world that has come so far, we can still act like animals. I started to cry. There is nothing one person can do, I thought. And there isn't. I can only hope that I could be a better person in my little world, and bring a smile to someone's face. As the tears rolled down my face, my local Yacht Rock station (Yeah, my guilty pleasure. You're just as guilty.) played something I literally had not heard in 40 years. You know what Yacht Rock is. Lots of Steely Dan, pina coladas, and assorted others from the 70's and 80's. Well, a little gem came on, and I stopped crying.

Now, followers of mine know I worked in radio for about ten years. Lots of formats and variety of good and bad music. But in all that time, I've never played this song. As a matter of fact, I forget this beautiful thing existed until today.

https://youtu.be/SGKrgJZhpzk?si=8UcIuleY5YkchOl_

I hope the link works. If not, the song is Pilot Of The Airwaves by Charlie Dore. Released in 1979, I remember hearing it on the radio when I lived in Marcellus. The effect of having that come on in the middle of a depression induced cryfest, was like screeching to a halt right before you drive off that cliff.

I'm not saying it's a cure all for what ails the world, but never EVER underestimate the power of a simple song. So when life is kicking you in the head, and it gets to heavy to carry, take the time to turn on whatever device you use, and just listen to some music. Go look for something you haven't heard in a long time. There is so much out there that we have forgotten about. Go listen to Andrew Gold, Al Stewart, even some Bertie Higgins. 

Everyone needs a little "Key Largo". 😁

Look What Came Out Of A Hole!

 A local guy was excavating an old outhouse, and found something unexpected. My old blog! Don't worry, the remnants are no longer smelly, but are actually still here. Well, they may have a little stench left, but nothing I can't handle.

8 years since my last post. So much has changed since then. I don't think I need to tell you, but hopefully you survived. 

I'm going to revive this crappy little word dump over the next few days. Not only has the world changed, but so has the way The Daily Skid Mark is laid out. Fonts? Who needs them! If you have anything you want me to write about, or just have something to say, just comment. As usual, no story or idea is off limits. I mean, my dog just farted, so we can talk about that. Or how about that weird lump on my right butt cheek? Maybe you have an interesting butt cheek you want to discuss? Doesn't have to be yours. Let me know!

In the meantime, here's a short encounter I had last week. In the grocery store, there were two kids messing around in the frozen aisle. I look over to see a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream sitting on a display shelf behind them, outside of the freezer. Now, I've always had a fantasy of catching someone leaving refrigerated or frozen food out in an aisle so I can snack them upside the noggin for being a dick and wasting food, not to mention costing the business money. The closest I got was watching a guy stick a pair of shoes, still in the box, into a display freezer. I actually just laughed because it made no sense.

I walked up to the container, and asked the kid if this was his ice cream. After stumbling over his garbled "words" he proclaimed that, yes, and he sat it down just to look at other ice cream. I smiled and said, "Ok. But if I come back down this aisle in two minutes, and it's still there and you're gone, I'm gonna find you before you make it to the parking lot."

It was gone when I came back. Thinking about it later, I may have actually threatened him with my comment.

Good.

Well, hello there!

Been awhile, I know. Life has taken some pretty wild turns for our family. But we keep on going. Updates? Sure. Nolan has thrived in his school. He has made HUGE strides with his Autism Spectrum Disorder. He is playing baseball now, and a year ago, we would have never thought it was possible. He has friends, he plays and he has not had any meltdowns or episodes since he started in Kingsley Elementary. They are incredible teachers and staff. He still has his struggles, but he's a strong little man!

Erin has had some medical issues. She had surgery last year for sinus and breathing issues. She had an infected gland in her neck previously, and poor drainage. She came through it like a real trooper. She unfortunately has the same allergy issues I have, so the poor girl suffers horribly from pollen and dust. She is doing GREAT in school as well. They both are A students!

Tina has been back to school full time for awhile. She has just made the Dean's List for the third time in a row. By next Spring she will have her degree. I am so proud of her. All of this while having to move twice, and another stay in the hospital for me.

My health has been up and down. Right now I have been fighting some cysts that have formed on my chest wall. I have been through these before, and had them removed, but these are kind of scary. I have had them checked, and been prescribed medication to help reduce the infection and swelling, but this time it hasn't worked. I also have just recovered from muscle damage in my lower back that sent me to the hospital because I was hardly able to walk. Took me out of commission for 3 weeks.

We moved into a new home after our other one became unlivable. Between the meth lab behind our lot, to the police cars arresting a neighbor for making 100+ fake phone calls to 911, and cars driving through our front yard at all time of the day or night, we had enough. My children couldn't even play outside because we feared for their safety.

Without going in to greater detail, we have basically started over. After filing for bankruptcy, we find ourselves struggling to keep our heads above water. Our rent is $700 a month, and more than half of what I get for disability, and gas, food and utilities take everything else. We drive the kids to school 40+ miles a day to keep them in Kingsley because we don't want to have Nolan regress. When we brought up the idea of him going to school closer to home, the resulting meltdown was epic.

 I find myself selling stuff at the end of the month just to feed everyone. We have started a GoFundMe campaign with the hopes of a new start. If we reach our goal, we can get into a new home that we can call OURS. No more renting. And our payment will be HALF of what we pay for rent right now.

Tina has already sent out over a dozen applications trying to find a job for the summer, and hopefully something happens. But if you could, please check out our campaign. The link is below. Even just sharing would be awesome.

gofund.me/u9svx3b7y

Just look for the big smiling face of Nolan. You can't miss it!

Well, it's 4:29 in the morning, and the children will be up soon for school. I better get some sleep. Thanks for reading my ramblings. Have a great day!

-Mark

Lexophiles!

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

www.bouldertherapist.com

Why taking a dump in a Kohl’s is NEVER a good idea.

 

I went to Kohl’s today to pick up a couple new pairs of pants and just happened to stumble bass akwards into the second funniest thing to ever happen to me in a public dressing room.

The funniest thing, by the way, involved me, a rogue zipper, and two well-placed and well-needed stitches. I’ll just leave it at that.

 

So I walk into the Kohl’s dressing room and start trying on my regularly-priced-$79.99-now-on-sale-for-$23.99 pants and hear that someone is entering the dressing room adjacent to mine. I think nothing of it and continue to try to squeeze my 38-inch waist into a pair of 36-inch Dockers.

But a mere few seconds later I can hear this individual — clearly a large man by the grunting and groaning — taking off his belt. The noise a belt makes is quite distinct and it sounded like this guy had a belt buckle the size of a trash can lid. It sounded like he was taking off a parachute with all the clasps, buckles, and snaps he was undoing.

 

I chuckle to myself and take a deep breath to buckle my own pants when I hear this guy — I’m going to start calling him Dirty Randy from now on — make a couple additional grunting noises.

I’m paying homage to Dirty Randy from “The League.” Great show.

 

It sounds like this guy — I think to myself — is trying to take a shit instead of trying to take a shirt.

This incredibly crazy idea is only made more plausible by the next thing that happens: Dirty Randy absolutely uncoils a five-star, MVP-caliber fart. It was one of those epic sonofabitches that gets a second wind halfway through and grows louder. It sounded like he was trying to start an old tractor.

At the time I had one leg into my own pants and the commotion in the next dressing room sent me tumbling against the wall laughing hysterically. Here I was busting a gut while this guy was busting ass.

 

“Son of a bitch,” Dirty Randy mumbles matter-of-factly. And I don’t know exactly what it was about the way he said it, but it sounded like he was saying “Son of a bitch” not as a result of what happened but as a precursor of what was yet to come.

 

To keep prices low, please don’t shit in the dressing room.

 

And sure enough Dirty Randy lets loose a second fart, this one somehow even more repulsive than the first. The noise was a cross between an old creaky door opening and a Beluga whale. If you don’t know what that sounds like, check out this YouTube video.

 

Seriously, did this guy think he was walking into the men’s room instead of the dressing room? Is he squatting over a pile of discarded clothes that didn’t fit the last guy who was in there? The image playing out in my head was hysterical.

 

But the hysterics turned into hysteria when a visitor entered my dressing room. In the interest of full disclosure, I did lock the door before I went in there. But what came into that dressing room cannot be turned back by a $5 door bolt from Home Depot. It came in through, under, and over the door. It seeped through the cracks in the walls and tumbled down from the ceiling.

I’m here to tell you ladies and gentlemen, it was an actual mist.

 

Like in that Stephen King movie. I half expected a monster to come out of it and eat me.

 

But that would have been the painless way out. Instead, what came out of that mist was a stench so horrific that eight hours later it’s still burned into my nostrils.

 

“My bad, buddy,” Dirty Randy says from the room next door, real casual-like as if he accidentally walked between me and a TV I was watching instead of purposely filling my dressing room full of Agent Orange. I gasped for air, trying to breathe through my mouth instead of my nose. But all that did was give me a big ole’ taste of whatever it was he ate that caused such a travesty in his lower intestine. It was as if he consumed a whole bucket of sea water and bad Thai food.

I texted my wife and told her I loved her.

 

This is probably the end.

 

And then as I began to pass out I hear a voice from afar.

 

“How’s it going in there, Dirty Randy?” It’s his wife, she’s outside the dressing room now. And she didn’t really call him Dirty Randy but it sort of ruins the story if I tell you his real name.

 

“It’s too big.”

 

Too big, I think. Is he talking about whatever he’s trying on or whatever he’s trying to get out?

I laugh at the thought of my own joke. It’s starting to pull me from my own haze.

“Randy, pass it under the door and let me take a look at it.”

 

Now I’m actually laughing out loud. Is this really happening to me? The guy who writes funny blogs just has this fall into his lap.

 

Or, more appropriately, fall out of the lap of the guy next to me.

 

“Jesus, Randy, did you just shit yourself?”

 

Mrs. Dirty Randy echoes my thoughts exactly. Not only do I think he shit himself, but he shit herself and myself and every other self in the Kohl’s men’s section.

 

“No,” he replies timidly, “I think it was the guy in the room next to me.”

 

My mouth drops. But then I can taste a wicked combination of burnt lasagna, sulfur, and Skoal. For some reason, in this moment Dirty Randy and I connect. It’s as if I can tell this guy’s wife is going to spend the rest of the day busting his balls for busting his ass. In the spirit of true brotherhood, I decide to take one for the team.

 

“My bad,” I say.

 

“Gross,” Mrs. Dirty Randy says and then I hear her leave. What follows next could not have been predicted. Dirty Randy doesn’t thank me, he doesn’t say sorry, but instead he lets loose the third and final blow, a low rumbling noise that sounded like he sat on a fog horn.

 

“Thank God she left,” he says, “I was trying to choke that one off.”

 

Needless to say, I didn’t end up buying the pants.

 

If you enjoyed this piece, you can find others like it on his blog at bigfunnyblog.com. I’d appreciate if you stopped by some time.

 

You can also like hisFacebook page at facebook.com/bigfunnyblog. He put lots of funny dump-related posts on there.

The 10 Commandments of The Grocery Store.

1. Thou shall not leave your cart in an empty parking spot. There are two kinds of people in this world: 1) those who return carts to the cart corral and 2) assholes. Leaving a cart to find it’s own way home often results in the cart camping out in a parking spot someone will inevitably pull halfway into before realizing the cart is there and angrily backing out, pissing off people behind them. The carts have a home. Help them find their home.

2. Thou shall not walk down the center aisle of the parking lot. You do not have super-human pedestrian powers that override people in their cars trying to get past or around you. Pick a side—any side—and no one gets hurt.

3. Thou shall travel up and down the aisle like a civilized person. Up one side, down the other. If you’re barreling down the middle or the wrong side like a linebacker and clip my cart, I am not above throwing a shoulder. Also, try to refrain from doing a 180 halfway down a jam-packed aisle only to amble along as if you’re taking in the sights of the Louvre. It’s soup. Not the Sistine Chapel.

4. Thou shall obey the express line rules. The sign says 15 items or less. It does not say, “Everything you can stick in the small-ass cart you chose instead of regular cart.” That does not refer to the number of item types, but the actual item count. For example, those 75 cans of soup that took you 15 minutes to pick out does not count as a single item. You are not a special snowflake. If everybody ignored this rule, it would just be a regular line.

5. Thou shalt not decide against the frozen pizza you picked up in the frozen foods section and then place it on the shelf next to the shampoo. Really? Come on now, people.

6. Thou shall respect the invisible checkout line bubble of personal space. Regardless of how close you creep up or how many items you throw on the belt, you will be next—after me. If you continue to creep up, I will pretend to go through my coupon keeper for an extraordinary amount of time and chit chat with the cashier…unless you would like to pay for my produce. In that case, you have a deal.

7. Thou shall treat the cashier with respect. This means not chatting on your phone while she’s ringing up your groceries or getting ticked when she won’t accept the four expired coupons you thought she’d ignore. If you get caught trying to sneak in an expired coupon, just let it go. It’s 35-cents off of dish soap. You’ll survive.

8. Thou shall not stop at the exit to go over your receipt. Once given your receipt and all 300 extra pieces of paper that get pumped out of the printer with it, do not stop and read the receipt like it’s a treasure map. There is nothing on that paper that is that important that you need to throw on the brakes and cause a backup. Move it along.

9. Thou shall reconsider the self-checkout. Know your limits. Can you find a bar code on a product? Match the picture of bananas on the screen to the bananas in your cart? Flatten paper money to insert into a slot? If you answered “no” to any of those questions, don’t be a hero. Go through the normal checkout.

10. Thou shall not stalk for a parking spot. Finally, do not slowly drive behind me at 5 mph impatiently waiting for my parking spot that is often only two down from another available spot. Unless you’re going to get out and help me unload my groceries into the back, your insistence on sitting there, impatiently revving the engine on your minivan, will force me to do a full vehicle check—interior and exterior—before getting back in and leaving 5 minutes later.

Thank you for shopping with us.

Have a nice day.